Real Talk Rant: Why Road Trips are the Worst

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Ah, road trips.

Expectation: In your mind you think “this is going to be great”, put the top down of the convertible, pop on some tunes and let the breeze instagrammably blow your hair in the wind. WRONNNNGGGG

Reality is: you planned this trip way too last minute and flights are way too expensive, or your destination is just close enough to drive to but not far enough to fly to…. or if we want to be super annoying…you and your S/O are being cute and driving across the country hitting up all the famous Diner’s and Drives restaurants. ::insert eye roll emoji:: aka I’m Jealous. HA, Don’t get me wrong, I do love a road trip when you’re not in a rush, the scenery is pretty and you aren’t alone, then you can at least play car games and talk along the way!

In the last two months I have done two smaller road trips (SF –> LA and Houston –> Dallas) and since you have all the time in the world to ponder about life, I took notice to some of the most annoying parts of road trips that I thought I would share with you:

  1. TRUCKS. They slow us down, swerve and why the HECK do they feel the need to pass each other? Is this some sick game truck drivers play with each other? All you’re doing is cutting the rest of us off and slowing down all the people actual using the fast lane to…well, GO FAST! Stay in your lane, k thanks.
  2. Gas prices are RIDIC. I get it, we’re out in the middle of nofuck no where and we are desperate for fuel…but come on…rude, just rude.
  3. When your radio station changes to another language. And no my car doesn’t have satellite or anything fancy so it’s just me and my radio. Go ahead, judge me.
  4. The amount of bugs smashed on your car. Car wash anyone?
  5. When your butt sticks to the leather seats and falls asleep. Stretching your legs is crucial and I should probably start wearing leggings or sitting on a towel for comfort sake.
  6. The amount of crap you end up eating. What is it about being in a car that makes you want McDonald’s breakfast and sour candy…and have no shame sitting and eating it in your car?
  7. Cell service goes in and out. Don’t you dare fuck with me. Don’t you do it.
  8. The one time you have allllll the time in the world to call your mom, dad, aunt, cousins and friends you barely ever talk to, no one picks up the phone. WHYYYYY.
  9. Other drivers. Just when you put your cruise control on and are in the fast lane at a comfortable 85mph, you look in your rearview mirror and see someone about to run you down. Just chillllll, I’ll move over just give me a second. Sheesh.
  10. Worst part of road trips? Knowing you have to drive back home.

Moral of the story for me is I need to listen to more podcasts, get a new auxiliary cord and pack a cooler with snacks for my next road trip. Also, I’m officially calling these posts Real Talk Rants, so welcome to the first official one!

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Why I’m Taking a Break from Online Dating

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Sometimes you need a BREAK. From working out, some friends, laundry, work, pretty much any and everything that can be overwhelming and suck the positive energy out of you. One thing that I constantly have to take breaks from? ONLINE DATING. I go in this cycle every few months where I just can’t. possibly. swipe left or ignore a d-bag type message any longer.

This time around, there are three clear reasons why I need a fucking break…

OVERALL SELECTION

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This is when you know it’s time. When you start seeing the same people on every app, profile pictures of guys in costumes or then you hit a wall where even the app itself tells you “girl, take a breather cause not even our algorithm can find a decent catch right now.”

THE AWFUL MESSAGES 

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CAN YOU EVEN?! Guys hide behind these apps and I am flabbergasted at the disgusting pigs some of them are. Here is the extreme of one pig and another cheeseball. SIGH. It is so frustrating sifting through messages like this — I only even responded because I could tell they were up to no good. You better believe I responded to the perv and gave him a piece of my mind.

ENERGY AND TIME SUCK
The hardest part of it all is feeling like you are wasting your time. I have thick skin and don’t let the above get to me, but time is precious so use it wisely!

And do I want to date? SURE! It’s not that I wouldn’t want to if it happened, but the actual effort it takes to online date, it sometimes feels like you are in an endless, hopeless, exhausting journey and when I start to feel that way – I am ouuuuuttt. Just as in life with anything, the minute you aren’t happy and excited about something, take a break and focus on the things that bring you joy!

Until next time my friends!

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Travel Diaries: The Worst Parts of Being on an Airplane

Hey fwendz! Sorry I’ve been MIA — been SO busy and traveling a ton, but I’m baackkkk and have a bunch of fun posts coming soon. Speaking of traveling I’ve been experiencing a lot of the same shit over and over so wanted to share some realness about being on an airplane.

SO, we all know traveling is a bitch. The whole process: packing, ubering to the airport, going through security, spending $75 on a glass of wine at the airport…but today I’m going to focus on the actual act of flying and discussing the shit — the very annoying, uncomfortable and WTF shit — that actually happens on an airplane.

I’ve experienced literally everything on this list, but please share any other ridiculousness in the  comments that you’ve dealt with while on a plane!

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  1. Finding out your seat buddies are a smelly old man and a crying baby. NOoooOOoo
  2. When you have to get up to go to the bathroom and have to pass people in the aisle and rub butts. Like, is this considered our first date? Do you want my phone number?
  3. Your seat doesn’t recline and you’re on a 6 hour flight.
  4. You sit next to the airplane police and tells you you shouldn’t put your jacket in the overhead. (This JUST happened to me last week. MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS and LET ME LIVE)
  5. Your seat mate keeps hogging the armrest and you start playing a bitchy game of MOVE YOUR ELBLOW.
  6. You have an ideal row 4 window seat and a family of 18 asks you to switch with them so they can “all be together”. NOPE. I DON’T CARE. I GLADLY ACCEPT TITLE OF BIGGEST BITCH ON THE PLANE.
  7. You sit in the vicinity of a farter. RIP
  8. You’re on a business trip and have to work on the plane but there is not enough space on your tray to fit your computer so you are working hunched in a little ball.
  9. The person diagonal from you won’t shut their window and it is GLARING into your eyeballs.
  10. Someone pukes and the whole plane smells making you want to puke.
  11. When they bake fresh cookies for first class…and you’re definitely not in first class. RUDE
  12. The food. Nuff said. (although I do have to say Virgin’s cheese plate is aiite)
  13. You haven’t showered in two days and you sit next to a cute guy. That would happen to me.
  14. You’re watching a movie and a sex scene comes on and you feel like everyone is judging you. AGAIN, LET ME LIVE
  15. When you land, and are trying to get off the plane someone behind you doesn’t let you go first. ISN’T IT COMMON KNOWLEDGE YOU DEPLANE IN ORDER. STEP BACK BRO

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Happy flying! 😂

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The Real Deal About Being a Bridesmaid

Here comes the wine bride…here comes the wine bride….

Ahh, the time when one of your BFFs is in love, getting married and asks YOU to stand up by her side on the biggest day of her life. So sweet, right?! Well, YES…and don’t get me wrong I am honored but let’s be real, it’s not just standing up next to them but soo much more and we all know this. To anyone who has been a bridesmaid or — even better — a maid of honor — knows that while it’s an exciting time, it is also a stressful, money sucking, drama filled time for the lucky group of ladies. FUNNNNNN

No matter what though, there are things that arise when you are prepping for one of your closest friends or family members big day and not all of them make you cry tears of joy, but tears of stress (is that a thing?). Not having your dress fit? AWESOME. Spending a month’s worth of rent money on new clothes, hotel stays and gifts? SUPER GREAT. Getting bitched at because you recommended something to the head bitch in charge Maid of Honor. THE BEST. 

Here are other things I’ve personally experienced or heard about directly from friends who have been a bridesmaid. If you have any other ridiculous stories PLEASE share in the comments. I’d love to hear! 

  1. Not all bridemaids are created equal, like you’re totally her best friend but she haddddd to make Sally the maid of honor because she was Sallys. #uhhuh
  2. Your bride has turned into a bonafide bridezilla…and wants to go on a week long cruise for her bachelorette party. It’s only $1500, bargain right?! #hellno
  3. Bridesmaid dresses are never really that cute…and will never fit perfectly or be completely your style.
  4. You will have to spend more money than you want…read on.
  5. You will need a spray tan. $
  6. You will need a mani pedi $$
  7. You will need a dress $$$$…and have it altered $$$$
  8. You will need to attend or even better yet plan a bachelorette party $$$$$
  9. You will need a wedding gift $$$$$$
  10. You will have to deal with a lot of emotions- tears, yelling, laughter…it comes with the territory
  11. You get thrown into being into a ‘bride tribe’ of ladies who you probably aren’t already that close with or don’t even know at all…you can imagine the gossip and drama that arises.
  12. No matter what, the bride will be emotional. Get your shoulder ready to cry on and all the tissues
  13. While things may be going to SHIT in your own life, that doesn’t matter. The wedding is the most important thing ever and you need to suck it up.
  14. Group chat messages will not stop until wedding day. I hope you have unlimited texts.
  15. If you’re single, going wedding dress shopping gives you hives. ::chugs champagne::

Really though, it’s always a crazy but fun experience. I can’t wait for my besties big day this weekend. Follow my insta story or Snapchat for all my real talk behind the scenes!

Why Being Sick as an Adult Sucks

Remember when you were little and got sick? You would practically ring a little bell and your mom would show up within five minutes with medicine, juice, tissues, cough drops….a fucking magical rainbow unicorn…you get my point.

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But as you grow up and move out on your own you have to fend for yourself. AKA ADULTING. Being sick as an adult sucks because if you run out of tissues or medicine you actually have to go out on your own to get what you need. Or call Postmates and spend $79 on soup, DayQuill and crackers. It’s your choice. This also is for most of the females because don’t even get me started on when men get sick, they pretty much revert back to being 6 year olds but 10 times more needy — maybe we’ll save that for another post HA!

A few more reasons why being sick as an adult is the worst:

  • You still have to work. Even though I am home with a 100 degree fever covered in a mountain of tissues, I have a job to do and even if I do take the day actually off I have like 8 million meetings to reschedule and will open my inbox to 300 new messages, a don’t even get me started on the anxiety that Slack notifications bring me.
  • Being…well, single. I have to do all my normal adulting things like walking the dog, grocery shopping, getting the mail…which brings me to the next point
  • You are bound to run into your hot neighbor looking your all time ugliest with a soup stain on your sweatshirt — no joke this just happened to me. #wantmynumber
  • You’re sweating hot. No, you’re freezing cold with shivers. Come on, body – can you make up your mind please?
  • No matter how many times you blow your nose it will still be clogged.
  • Due to the hundreds of times you blew your nose, your nose is now raw, red and peeling – super cute. No, aloe tissues do not solve this.
  • ::Makes tea that is too hot to drink:: ::Forgets about tea until it is ice cold::
  • I feel like I have so many more important things to be doing than sitting in bed being bored. Like I could be crossing things off my to do list here, people.

Overall, it’s a reminder that you have to take care of yourself . I have such a hard time slowing down and it’s seriously ok to put yourself first once in awhile to avoid all the above shit. Ok, time to call Postmates….